May 24, 2016 by Will Maule

Scheduling Mix Up Puts Paul Washer On Joel Osteen's Stage, The Results Were Completely Brutal

Can you imagine if a mistake in scheduling meant that conservative southern baptist preacher Paul Washer ended up preaching before thousands at Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas? That is exactly what they have envisioned at satirical website Babylonbee . Washer is known for his straight-talking, no-nonsense and forthright style that may challenge those at the Houston megachurch somewhat!

"Washer decimated those in attendance with his direct, passionate and take-no-prisoners gospel preaching," Babylonbee reports.

"From what investigators have been able to piece together so far, Lakewood’s Coach of Vision and Teaching had contacted the agent of deceased actor Paul Walker to schedule a motivational speech, not realizing he had passed away. Walker’s former representative assumed the coach had meant to schedule Paul Washer for the church service, and made the arrangements for Washer to deliver the Word that Sunday." 

Washer began with a prayer, which had many squirming in their seats. Reportedly "As Washer then looked up at the crowd, congregants knew something was amiss, as his gaze alone caused the deaths of several families seated in the front row of the stadium." Lol. "By then it was too late, as he began reading out of the fifth chapter of Second Corinthians, causing hundreds of those in attendance to melt into pools of mush."

“Some of them apparently tried to escape out the emergency exists," said a spokesman for Washer's ministry. "But Washer declared, ‘I don’t know why you’re leaving. I’m talking about you!’ causing their instant and complete implosion. There was blood everywhere.” 

After twelve minutes of Washer’s precise, impassioned preaching, the last remaining survivor threw themselves desperately out a window and managed to escape unscathed. Washer reportedly pressed on, expertly expositing six verses in 2 Corinthians and portions of the Old Testament for another 50 minutes to the corpses slumped over chairs and strewn about the floor in front of him.

Oh my word—the screaming. I’ll never forget the screaming,” a visibly shaken and slightly singed Victoria Osteen told reporters as paramedics continued to comb through the scene, looking mostly in vain for survivors. “Has anyone seen Joel?”

According to sources, Washer was not asked back to the 11:00 a.m. service.

Follow us on Facebook: