Mar 20, 2017
Kris Vallotton: 5 Red Flags To Consider Before Marriage
Have you ever looked at a couple that’s about to get engaged or married and thought, “Oh please, no! Don’t do that!” as the glaring red flags of their unhealthiness slap you in the face every time you look at them? How is it that it’s so clear for an outsider to see the warning signs of a road to an unhealthy marriage, and yet sometimes the couple themselves have no idea? Unconscious ignorance, and sometimes straight-up stupidity, often get in the way of couples seeing their relationships clearly, and in the worst situations, committing to a marriage that is setting them up for a journey of pain.
We’ve been chatting a lot on the blog about relationships, what to look for in a guy or girl, and how to date well. Today I want to share some fatherly advice with you when it comes to taking the big leap into marriage. Here are some red flags to look out for and seriously stop and pay attention to before saying “I do.”
1) If someone says they love you but they refuse to respect you, they are lying. An example of this if they say, “If you love me, then you’ll have sex with me.” The truth is, if they loved you they would protect your virtues! If they disrespect you in this way they are most likely thinking and speaking from their raging hormones, not their heart!
2) Never marry someone to fix or change them; it never works! If they have serious issues to work through; porn, drinking, drugs, cheating, lying, etc., the reality is that’s what you are marrying. It may be hard but if this is where you’re at, it’s time to face the facts. Marrying someone to be their savior is a bad plan and will lead to heartache! Also, serious addictions and unhealthiness aren’t fixed by marriage. I’m not saying that someone with a rough past is disqualified from marriage. I’m simply saying that if they aren’t willing to look at these issues and work through them, then you’re setting your marriage up for pain. Rather, choose someone who has put in the hard work to get healthy, just as you do the same.
3) They say love is blind but the truth is that love is stupid blind! Therefore, it’s imperative that you have wise people around you that you give a place to speak into your romantic relationships. If your significant other is not open to the feedback and counsel of wise people around you, that is a red flag. Think about it; if you’re about to make the most important decision in your life, not listening to wise people is stupid blind and dangerous.
4) Ladies however this guy treats his mother, is probably how he will treat you when you marry him. Men, however this girl treats her dad, is probably how she will treat you when you marry her. There are exceptions to this concept, but this is truer than most would admit. If your partner treats their mother or father with disrespect, they’ll likely treat you the same way. This is warning sign to consider, as respect is necessary for a relationship that will bear the fruit of freedom and love.
5) Ladies, getting pregnant so a guy will stay with you never works! Neither does having children to fix a marriage. It’s a really bad idea to use a child as a band-aid and in the end do you really want to be in a marriage that you had to manipulate someone to be in? You’re worth being chosen for who you are and don’t need to control someone into a relationship. Ever.
I want you to hear my heart today. Some of this may sound harsh but it’s because I want to share wisdom that will protect you from heartache in the long run. If you’re in a relationship that has some of these red flags, I encourage you to seek wise counsel from some mentors around you. Process through this in the context of safe community. If you need to make a hard decision to end an unhealthy relationship, I pray grace, strength and courage over you today. It may hurt in the short run but I promise you that it’s worth it to wait for a healthy marriage than to jump into one prematurely simply because it feels good now.
This article was written by Kris Vallotton and initially appeared on his blog. Find it here.